Part 2 of 6 in a Series of Managing Five Common Emotional Reactions

Sometimes people withdraw and become silent in response to receiving feedback they find difficult to hear. Donā€™t assume you know what their silence really means or whatā€™s going on for them. If their emotions are running high, they have adrenaline in their bloodstream and they are in a threat response, or a ā€œfight-or-flightā€ defensive reaction. They may not be able to articulate their thoughts and may need some time to let the adrenaline dissipate. This can be a challenging response to deal with during a feedback conversation. Be careful not to fall into the trap of doing all the talking, or becoming defensive yourself. Stay calm and remain focused on your original intent for the conversation. Here are some tips for helping people open up.

Show sincere interest in wanting to understand what they are thinking and feeling by asking them to share whatā€™s going on for them. Ask an open-ended question, one that canā€™t be answered with a yes/no response. For example, ā€œBrad, can you help me understand what your silence means right now?ā€ or ā€œIt would really help me if you could tell me what youā€™re thinking.ā€

If you do get a response, but it is minimal and you would like to hear more, use your own silence to invite them to keep talking.


If you stay quiet, they may feel compelled to fill the silence with their thoughts. Try counting to 15 in your head to help fight the urge to speak. If they donā€™t say anything more, try gently and respectfully reminding them that this is an important conversation about their learning and development and reinforce your intention to support them.


For example, ā€œBrad, I want you to be successful on this team and my view is youā€™re well on the way. My feedback is intended to hold a mirror to some behavior Iā€™ve noticed that is not okay with me or with the team. Iā€™m pretty sure youā€™d like to know how others experience you so you can consider approaching some things differently. Again, my intent is to help. How willing are you to talk about this?ā€


Try to ensure your tone gently invites them in to the conversation. Your aim is to have them engage in a two-way dialogue. If this doesnā€™t get the conversation going, speak to the fact that itā€™s not working for you. For example, ā€œBrad, your one word responses are not the two-way conversation I had really hoped for. I would really like to understand what is bothering you. Itā€™s not my intention to upset you, I want toĀ help. Please could you share whatā€™s going on for you right now?ā€

Grassfields


If they still offer little response, suggest you both take a time-out from the conversation to collect your thoughts. Try to gain an agreement to reconvene within an hour or two and set a specific time, or ask them if they would like to reconvene at a later time or date. If there are consequences to this choice, be sure to clarify them. For example, ā€œOkay Brad, it seems this conversation isnā€™t going to go any further today. I am disappointed, and I would like to meet again on Monday and have another go. I would appreciate it if you would think about the feedback Iā€™ve started to give you, and come prepared to have a two-way conversation with me. I really want to hear your perspective on this. I would also like you to help me understand more clearly what is going on for you and how we can ensure that our future conversations are both comfortable enough to have and also productive for both of us.ā€

Silence can mean a lot of things and itā€™s not to be taken lightly. Use your best skills to create a safe environment for them to come into the conversation. Help them understand that their voice is important and that you really want to hear their perspective. Without it, itā€™s very difficult for you to know what needs to change. If itā€™s an expectation that they speak up, you may eventually need to state the gap between their behavior and your expectations -but donā€™t rush into this. Create the safety for dialogue wherever possible.

This is theĀ secondĀ in a series of blogs to help you manage five common emotional reactions that can be triggered during feedback conversations:

  1. How to Deal with Emotional Reactions in Feedback Conversations
  2. How to Deal with Silence
  3. How to Deal with Crying
  4. How to Deal with Disagreement
  5. How to Deal with Taking Offense
  6. How to Deal with Anger


This is a series of blogs adapted from our Great Feedback Workbook. To learn more about ourĀ Great Feedback Training, contact us at [email protected].

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The Final Blog (Part 6) in a Series of Managing Five Common Emotional Reactions

When someone becomes angry during a feedback conversation, itā€™s important that you manage your own emotions in order to help navigate both of you through this tricky situation. An angry reaction shows you that their brain has ā€˜downshiftedā€™ into fight or flight mode so itā€™s important that you ensure you donā€™t do the same.

When you feel or see your employee becoming angry, remember to notice your own reaction. If you feel your emotions rising ask yourself a question (which engages your ā€˜thinking brainā€™, the pre-frontal cortex), ā€œWhat unfair reactions, judgments or assumptions may be derailing me right now?ā€ or, ā€œWhat is the ideal outcome for this conversation?ā€

Donā€™t assume you know exactly what the other person is feeling. Often people express anger when they are feeling one or more different emotions, such as feeling hurt, scared, frustrated, inadequate, helpless, frustrated, unfairly treated or stressed.

Reflect their behavior back to them using neutral language and a calm tone. For example, ā€œAndy, your voice has become louder and you seem agitated. I am sorry if this conversation is difficult for you. Can you tell me what exactly is causing your reaction?ā€ Ā There is a chance that they do not feel you have their best interest in mind. Clarify that your intent is to help them. For example, ā€œIt is not my intent to anger you.

Donā€™t assume you know exactly what the other person is feeling. Often people express anger when they are feeling one or more different emotions, such as feeling hurt, scared, frustrated, inadequate, helpless, frustrated, unfairly treated or stressed.


I want to be clear and candid and my intent is to be helpful. Andy, I want to support your development in any way I can, including sharing my thoughts on your performance that sometimes may be hard to hear. I also very much want to hear your views on it. How open are you to us both sharing our perspectives and discussing them?ā€

If the anger subsides a little and a conversation is possible, continue with care and keep speaking your intent to help and support their learning. (See Blog 5 in this series:Ā How to Deal with Someone Who is Offended).

If their anger does not subside continue to tend to their emotion and postpone the feedback conversation until emotions are managed. Keep asking questions to stimulate their brain to ā€˜upshiftā€™ and show compassion for their reaction. For example, ā€œAndy, what do you need right now?ā€ Or ā€œAndy I want to have this conversation in a positive and constructive way. What needs to happen in order for us to do that?ā€

Lightning


If your employee doesnā€™t calm down itā€™s okay to reschedule the conversation. Be sure you do this in an unruffled and respectful manner and be clear that you need to reconvene at some point. For example, ā€œOkay Andy, letā€™s take a break and continue this conversation tomorrow morning after weā€™ve both had a chance to reflect. What time could work for you?ā€

Ask them to think about openness towards future feedback. For example, ā€œI want us to have more feedback conversations because I want to support your success here. Please think about what I can do to help you become more open to receiving feedback next time, and please also think about what you could do. Will you to take the time to do that?ā€

However if their anger only remains or escalates, and you feel that your safety may even be at risk, terminate the conversation immediately. People say and do things they regret when in this emotional state so stop the event and attempt to reconnect the following day. Do not tolerate abuse and do not compromise your personal safety.

This is the Last in a series of blogs to help you manage five common emotional reactions that can be triggered during feedback conversations:

  1. How to Deal with Emotional Reactions in Feedback Conversations
  2. How to Deal with Silence
  3. How to Deal with Crying
  4. How to Deal with Disagreement
  5. How to Deal with Taking Offense
  6. How to Deal with Anger


This series of blogs is adapted from our Great Feedback Workbook co-authored by Chris Jones and Lisa Scott. To learn more about ourĀ Great Feedback Training, contact us at [email protected].

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